Your Success Is In The Now
Recently me and my husband Kevin started reading T.D. Jakes' new book, Soar! we ended the first chapter and decided to dig deeper with the interactive workbook T.D. created.
One of the questions asked this:
what criteria do you use when you consider someone successful in their career?
I knew the right answer would be that success ain’t all about the Benjamin’s, but i had to be real about what my definitions were. So i wrote down that when i look out in the world and see someone who is successful, i see someone who:
+ has a lot of creative freedom
+ makes a lot of money
+ has a ton of influence/popularity with people
+ is doing what they love
Kev’s definition of success was simply someone doing what they love to do and making the best use of their God-given gifts.
We went on to have a pretty hard talk about why I felt money and popularity were success essentials.
The follow-up question stung most: according to your own definition, were your parents successful? And it sounded so harsh to say, but i had to answer no, because they failed to meet the standard I unintentionally set. Then Kev challenged me to see that also by my own definition, both me and him are failures because we don’t measure up to my own ideals of success. Sheesh.
I bet if you were to ask my parents if they succeeded, they’d quickly acknowledge they’re not perfect and didn’t always make the best choices or have the most, but they’d count me and my sisters as their measures of success.
Every long hour worked, every late night coming home, every sacrifice made would be worth it, not because of what we’ve done or accomplished, but because of who we turned out to be.
Despite doing what they had to do rather than what they loved to do, despite not having lots of money and not always having the finest possessions, and definitely not having tons of people applauding them, they raised 3 loving, strong-willed, intelligent, outgoing, outspoken and focused beautiful black women who were obedient children and never gave them any hell. Aside from the times we got caught lying, being sneaky or doing something we had no business doing—as kids typically do—we were good kids.
Kev asked me to think about when our daughter, Karter, grows up and sees that though our needs may be met, we don’t have a ton of excess money. She sees her hard-working parents doing what they love while providing her with the best life they’re capable of, yet if her definition of success matches mine, how would I feel if she viewed me as a complete failure?
That. cut. me. Deep.
Coming to the startling discovery of the shallowness that’s seeped into my definition of success...sucks. But i know God doesn’t reveal things to shame us but to change us.
And now I can see the ways this distorted definition of success has really guided the decisions I make, the motives behind my work ethic, and the anxieties and insecurities I feel when I don’t measure up to my own unspoken expectations.
I’ve done things more out of the fear of being unsuccessful in meeting my standards than out of faith that I can succeed God’s way.
It’s an element of striving and proving in me that needs to be completely undone.
A few days ago, I was scrolling on Facebook and saw this video of a speech Oprah gave at a Harvard commencement ceremony back in 2013. And as I took some time to reflect on my ideas of success + this deep longing for validation, I could hear her words to those Harvard grads in my head. Three things stuck out to me.
In the first, she said:
“But the challenge of life I have found is to build a résumé that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be but it’s a story about who you want to be. It’s a résumé that doesn’t just tell a story about what you want to accomplish but why. A story that’s not just a collection of titles and positions but a story that’s really about your purpose.”
Friend, success isn’t about accomplishments or the things you can obtain, but about becoming the person God predestined you to be.
Before you and I were in our mother’s womb, God knew us. Before we even existed in our mothers’ bellies, we existed in the mind and intentional plan of the Father. Plans not to harm us or bring evil upon us, but good plans to prosper us + give us a hope-filled future. So success is us willingly making ourselves available to walk in the pre-determined destiny God has laid out for us. It’s our will coming into alignment with his will.
And ultimately, his will’s greatest desire and our purpose on this earth are that we know him, look like him and make Him known. That through the innate uniqueness each of us carries as an individual, Jesus would be beautifully displayed. His love + joy. His peace + patience. His kindness, goodness + faithfulness. His gentleness. His self-control. And though Jesus’ nature is unchanging and constant, the way he’s expressed through each of us looks different.
For some of us, it’s in parenting and raising children or being a good friend.
For others it’s in being entrepreneurs and creating solutions to people’s problems.
For some of us it’s being government officials, or teachers, artists, event planners or nurses.
How we display God looks different for each of us, but our greatest success is attached to us willingly becoming the vessels he’s always longed to use to point the world back to himself, vessels for his glory + not our own.
The second thing Oprah said that struck me was this quote she shared from Maya Angelou:
“Maya Angelou always says, “When you learn, teach. When you get, give. That my friends is what gives your story purpose and meaning.”
Our ability to use everything God has put into us for the good of others + ultimately for his glory is what brings us satisfaction and fulfillment. He can fulfill others needs all on his own, but he often chooses to do so through us. And success is simply giving away what he’s given to us to point right back to him.
I’ve said this before, but on its own, my story is just as tragic, heartbreaking and painful as anyone else’s. The only reason why you’re even listening to this podcast is because I’ve owned up to accepting that my story is only worthy of sharing because of Jesus.
He’s what turns the bad around for good.
He’s the one that brings purpose to pain.
In September of 2017, I went to this conference in LA by Bethel Music called Heaven Come. And the host said these words that I cling to when I need a reminder of what I’m here for. He said, “your testimony of healing is prophetic of what Jesus wants to do with your life.”
And I think this guy and Maya Angelou nail it!
The things we learn are the things we have to give to this world and teach others.
The things we’ve been given are also meant to be given away.
And the healing victories we experience are setups for championing others into triumph.
You weren’t meant to be a reservoir but a flowing river of living water. And so success is also connected to you impacting the world around you.
But sometimes, if we’re not careful, our focus can become more about influence than impact.
We can get so caught up in striving to be world changers for the people out there instead of being faithful to those who live under our own roof or in our community.
Too many times have I unconsciously made it my goal to influence the masses while neglecting the little people that really matter most—that really need me most.
I want us to care more about impact than influence.
To invest more of our time into bearing lasting fruit over gaining fleeting fans.
To get in the habit of choosing purpose over popularity.
And one of the last things Oprah spoke that confirmed what God was already speaking to my heart was this:
“I have to say that the single most important lesson I learned in 25 years talking every single day to people, was that there is a common denominator in our human experience...
What we want, the common denominator that I found in every single interview, is we want to be validated. We want to be understood.
I have done over 35,000 interviews in my career and as soon as that camera shuts off everyone always turns to me and inevitably in their own way asks this question “Was that okay?”
I heard it from President Bush.
I heard it from President Obama.
I’ve heard it from heroes and from housewives.
I’ve heard it from victims and perpetrators of crimes.
I even heard it from Beyonce and all of her Beyonceness.
She finishes performing, hands me the microphone and says, “Was that okay?”
Friends and family, yours, enemies, strangers in every argument in every encounter, every exchange I will tell you, they all want to know one thing: was that okay? Did you hear me? Do you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you?”
I think ultimately, our definitions of success are connected to the ways we crave validation.
We all have this deep desire to be validated, to be celebrated and know that someone was satisfied with our work, our performance, and what we’ve done.
We want our lives to be glorious, but mistakingly think that’s equated to being glamorous.
Deep down, we want to be seen, heard, completely understood and approved of, but the world around us tells us that can only be found in what we gain rather than what we give. And I know I’m not the only one guilty of this. If you’re anything like me, you too have those moments of feeling less than because of how much money you have, where you work or live, what you drive or how many people follow you on social media.
We don’t like to admit that’s how we measure success, but if we’re honest, many of our definitions are rooted in the wrong things.
When I searched my Bible for the word “success,” 3 meanings kept shining through.
God doesn’t equate success with money, power + respect, but with wisdom, obedience + favor.
The world we live in tells us how much money we make, how much influential power we have, and how we’re seen by people are the only measurements of success.
But I was shook when I repeatedly read that every example of God instructing someone for success or giving someone success was connected to them seeking his wisdom, walking in obedience to his direction, and God’s favor being on them to propel his mission.
And even as I say this, I’m realizing the biggest difference between God’s definition of success and mine and yours is that purpose and calling are not about us. It’s all about him, it’s orchestrated by him, and it’s done with him.
At the end of our lives, we know we can’t take any of this stuff we have with us. Our clothes. Our cash. Our cars. It all gets left behind. Yet we live striving after those things because we’ve bought into the false idea that they make us or are the only symbols of a life well-lived.
But in the end, all that will matter to God, all that people will remember you by, and all that you really care about at the core of who you are is how well you’ve loved.
One of my favorite musicals is “RENT,” and they say this—and sing this—perfectly: “measure your life in love.”
That is success: having loved God, ourselves + people well.
So if you’re doing what God has asked of you, you friend, are successful. Every moment you say yes to him is success.
As long as we’re using our God-given gifts to do the things God has asked of us, we are walking in our calling and therefore are successful. And though the reward may not always be seen on this side of eternity, even if one person is impacted, that’s what matters.
Success this world’s way often feels like waiting on a train that will never come or like a mirage we’re chasing out in the desert.
But I’m beginning to see that success can be held in the now.
It’s in every step of leaning in to Jesus to learn his heart.
It’s made in every move of obedience.
And it’s in every mountain conquered as God lavishes his favor upon us.