Doing Life With God, Not For Him
On a recent weeknight, I paid one of my closest friends a visit at her home.
Her husband had just caught a flight out of town earlier that day and she was on her own with the boys—an insanely witty & active 4 year old and a scootin’/crawlin’/dang-near walkin’ 11 month old. I brought along my daughter, Karter, so they could play while we chatted.
We attempted to have an adult-ish conversation and catch up on life between kiddy commands of “Stop that”s, “No”s, and “Hey! Leave the dog alone”s.
And as I watched her prep dinner and her work lunches for the remainder of the week while calming her crying baby by prepping him a bottle and encouraging her toddler who was making progress on his homework that required him to trace the letter M, one thought came across my mind:
There’s no way I can handle having another kid.
Fast forward a few weeks later.
My grandma was going to be babysitting my 2.5 year old cousin while his parents attended a wedding. She asked if Karter and I could come over, considering he’s very active and she wasn’t sure she could entertain him on her own.
We decided to take the kids to the local street carnival down the street. I loaded them up in the stroller. And for these kiddos to be pretty light weight in my arms, they were pretty weighty as I muscled up the umph to push them in the stroller.
I pressed the crosswalk button at the stoplight, waiting to lug the stroller across the street.
I peeked through the mesh opening in the sunshade that was blocking them from the sweltering rays. And as they passed little puff snacks to one another, the thought came again:
There’s no way I could do this on my own.
The little crosswalk man gave me the ride away, and as I strode across, I felt the God say to my heart:
You’re right.
(Huh?!)
You’re right. You can’t do it on your own. But you can with Me.
(Warning: we’re about to get real vulnerable, which most times calls for some TMI moments. Sorry not sorry if any of what I’m gonna say creeps you out lol But it’s necessary.)
Earlier that day, I started my period.
For the last few months, I’ve felt God challenging me to trust Him with the areas of my heart I’ve been keeping to myself—my body + having more babies being one of ‘em.
Until recently, I hadn’t even realized the torment I’d been under mentally while being intimate with my husband because of how riddled with fear I was of getting pregnant again.
It’s not that I didn’t want more kids. I do. I just didn’t want them right now because I didn’t think I can handle more at this point of my life.
Prior to having Karter, I wrestled with insecurities of becoming a new mom because I didn’t see myself as being worthy of one. And now, insecurity has convinced me that even though I have 1 child, there’s no way I can make it with 2+.
So with a heart of wanting to actually trust God with my all rather than just saying I do, I told Him I was going to take Him at His word.
If He really is good and if He knows what’s best for me and if He really is the one who both opens + closes the womb, then I want His perfect love to crush this fear that’s robbed me of fully enjoying the freedom he intended for me to have in intimacy with my husband. I was no longer going to be dogmatic about birth control. And I refused to let my mind worry over the what if’s of an unplanned pregnancy.
And here I was, at the start of another menstrual cycle after having let go of my inhibitions.
Then, as I reached the other corner, this came to mind:
“THE JUST and UPRIGHT SHALL LIVE BY FAITH.” – Romans 1:17 (amp)
I feel like every choice we make to stop trusting in ourselves is us choosing to trust God.
Every time we muster up the guts to place our mustard seed faith in his hands, he proves himself to be good and loving and faithful and unfailing. Every. Single. Time.
And though it’s incredibly uncomfortable + vulnerable to have the guts to trust him, it’s beyond freeing when we do. So much so that we find ourselves having more faith and looking for more ways to lean on him than we did before.
I’ve heard people (and have been guilty of) saying, “God won’t give you anything you cannot handle” when trying to make sense of overwhelming suffering or difficulties.
But am I supposed to handle life on my own?
And while trekking on the pavement to the little carnival, I realized that is a total lie.
To live our lives thinking every pain or struggle we wrestle with is supposed to be faced and conquered solo is depressing. And to think that a good God is the one behind it all is equally disheartening. It’s no wonder we’re stressed out or anxious or wide-eyed in the middle of the night. And that’s not God’s heart for us.
I always thought that God gives me the things he thinks I (alone) can handle, which makes sense why I’ve fallen to worry time and time again because I was convinced I could stand on my own two feet.
Oh contraire. We can handle anything God allows in our lives or the enemy of our soul throws at us, not because of our own strength and smarts and sufficiency, but when we are fully submitted and dependent upon our God who is with us. Then—and only then—is when we really can “do all things through Christ who strengthens us.”
Jesus said,” Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4-5 esv)
Didya catch that?
Jesus said apart from him, we can do nothing.
Nothing that lasts beyond the temporary.
Nothing that blesses and impacts others.
Nothing that carries weight in eternity.
Nothing that ultimately pleases God.
Apart from Jesus, we cannot live the lives we long to have–ones full of joy, abundance and deep fulfillment.
On my own, I can probably be a mom. But not a good one, and certainly not an impactful one—whether that’s of 1 or of 4. Apart from him I absolutely cannot handle more responsibility. But with his grace, I can!
For years I’ve prided myself in being an independent woman. (All the women who’re independent, throw your hands up at meeee!)
But I’m beginning to understand that me and God have been on 2 different wavelengths. And when I read this crossroads revelation Jennie Allen shared in her book Nothing To Prove, my heart’s been shifting into realignment ever since:
“I have been living a lot of my life for God instead of with God.”
Friends, God’s heart has been and always will be set on one thing: to be with us. Not because he needs us, but because he wants us. As a wise counselor told Jennie, “God couldn’t care less about successes, failures, visions, disappointments. He will just use all of it, whatever means possible just to get to you, just to be with you.”
We weren’t created to do life alone. God has always had a heart for belonging—us being intimately connected to him and to one another (check out Genesis 1 - 2:18). And every time we are faced with something that is much bigger than us—from marriage to babies, from crisis to callings—it’s God’s invitation to see him ever-present and encounter him in ways we would’ve never known.
But oh, how my fears are often mingled with pride. Fear tells me I couldn’t possibly handle more responsibility and pride can have me confident I’ve got everything under control.
That’s why they’re called “pregnancy scares,” right? Because we’re scared to actually have to handle something outside of our resources, beyond our pay grade, past our expertise, and much much out of the bounds of our control.
But what if God wants to birth something beautiful in your life that may not fit into your plans but are part of his good plans for you? Will you let him?
Has fear or pride convinced you you’re better off on your own?
How’s that workin’ out for you? (If you’re stressed, worried, anxious or exhausted from striving, probably not so well.)
What forms of “birth control” have you been taking that are blocking you from experiencing the fullness of God’s love for you?
Can you Will you let go?
If you say you believe he’s good, will you live like it?
Will you trust him?
Friends, our independence and self-confidence are robbing us of experiencing God’s incredible love for us.
Whether it’s being scared of having more (or any) babies, being doubtful that your debt will go away, or feeling overwhelmed with stepping into your calling, take a breather.
I’m coming to learn that this thing called life and all the hats we wear in it are weights we were never meant to shoulder. They’re meant to be handed over to God, that we may walk alongside him to see his power at work in and through us, no matter the circumstances.
Self-confidence is a seemingly harmless mask for pride.
And worry is a symptom of a self-sufficient heart.
So every time that time of the month comes around, I am reminded of the almighty power and sufficiency of my Good Father. If he is “Lord of all—“ the One who has absolute authority over all things—then that includes my body, which includes my periods, which also includes my womb and whenever it’s time for me to have more children. And when I let God be God, the worries and cares that once consumed me fall to the wayside because I’m no longer trying to handle everything on my own.
Not my will, but your will be done.
We say we believe that, but do we live like it? Do we proclaim to trust God with our whole hearts but are really holding back pieces of ourselves for ourselves?
I don’t wanna keep living like a Compartmentalized Christian, one who separates their life into things they can handle and things they need God for. I don’t want to just experience and know him in some things but in all things. I don’t want to miss out on any good thing he has for me because I thought my way was better.
I need him. You need him. We’re all in great need of the Savior. And while our neediness exposes our weakness, it also empowers us for greatness.
So here’s to returning to child-like faith, full of trust and wonder. Here’s to letting go of the fears I thought I managed well that have instead had a crippling grip upon me. Here’s to humbling myself and being okay with not being able to do it all, but doing what he wants well and by his empowerment. Here’s to holding plans more loosely and leaning into adventure.
“Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence.”
1 Corinthians 10:12 MSG