Why You Can Stop Freaking Out About Your Purpose
The sun is just barely waking up.
And so am I.
Quiet fills the house, yet I can hear the songs of the birds whistling their morning tunes through my bedroom window.
I revel in the silence, face in palms.
I try not to let my thoughts wonder, and for a few moments am able to think about absolutely nothing. Then one things comes to mind:
How did I get here?
An almost-30 woman/wife/mama/stumbling entrepreneur/leader/inspiration-giver/encourager.
I remember the anxiety + panicked frenzies of prayer where I'd literally beg God to show me my purpose.
Having a renewed relationship with Jesus during my senior year of college, I felt like whatever direction my life was heading in needed to be God-directed.
I didn't want to waste any time running after dead ends.
My heart wanted soooo badly to please God + make him proud, and I didn't want to fail at that by pursuing the wrong things.
And so I prayed.
And prayed.
Annnnnd prayed.
And nothing. I got nothing.
So to make something happen, after graduating from college, I applied for literally hundreds of jobs to put my Creative Writing degree to use.
And I also got nothing.
No yeses.
No no's.
Nothing.
I eventually found myself very discouraged on the journey of post-grad job hunting, and started applying for jobs that were on the outskirts of my dream career.
Ultimately, I landed a position as a copywriter for a local fashion e-commerce company.
Friend, I felt like an idiot.
4 years of learning how to weave words + stories together and there I was, trying to figure out how to talk about the infinite greatness of crop tops, wedge heels and maxi dresses.
After being on the job for nearly a year, I got laid off. And by this time, as a fiancée in the thick of planning her nuptials, this was NOT part of the game plan.
Over the span of about 2 years, my requests were being made known to God but I felt like they were falling on deaf ears, like heaven's voicemail was full.
It wasn't until a few years after this that I'd join the volunteer team in my local church's youth ministry + meet a hippy-hearted coffee lover named Melissa who I'd become friends with, would do life with and eventually partner in building an organization called Even Vanity Ends.
And it was in those early, hours-long brainstorming meetings with Mel, jotting down every audacious dream of our hearts for creating a community of women who know they're loved and live like it that I realized I was only toe-deep into the answer to those prayers.
I realized that everything I've craved and need in both my work life and community life was right here.
And I thought, bam! Found my purpose! Now I'm gonna be doing awesome stuff all the time and reveling in the awesomeness.
But as I say this, now 6 years after those desperate "show me why I'm here" prayers, I've come to understand that my life, your life, is not about just fulfilling one purpose.
Honestly, my prayers back then were deeply rooted in fear that I was going to disappoint God if I didn't do something amazing with my life.
And I had a misunderstanding of what purpose and calling actually mean.
I was so bogged down with thinking about figuring out what the next big thing was that I couldn't see what God was already doing.
In hindsight, he was answering my prayers through journeying with me rather than giving me all the details in one shebang.
And who am I kidding:
Had he told me I'd be working alongside a team of chicks that all thrive on being vulnerable, owning their imperfections and shaming shame...I would've definitely ran for the hills.
Had he told me that those years of pouring out my heart on paper and crafting words together would finally culminate into me penning my own story to share with the world...I would hide under a rock.
And if he would've told me that I would be using my voice to share some of the most intimate and scary and vulnerable places of my heart, and questions + wrestles of my faith through a podcast...I'd laugh in his face.
Friend, I don't know where you are now.
And I don't know where you want to be.
And I don't know if you feel like because the 2 don't quite match up right now that you're a failure or are totally wasting your time.
Saaaaaame. I get it.
And because of the way my type A, obsessed with planning and details little brain is set up, I still often find myself feeling that way.
And as I sat on my bed and my mind wondered how I wandered here, there was only one answer:
Him.
God is the God of the in-between. He knows the beginning + the end, but he's with you in the meanwhile.
If you're looking for clarity because you're feeling confused about what move to make next, ask him for it.
If you want direction because you feel like you're spinning your wheels and don't know what the heck you're doing or where you're headed, talk to him about it.
But know this: your answer may not come packaged with an ultimate big red bow of epic revelation, but your request is heard the moment your heart whispers it.
And your life may not always–or ever–match what you imagine, but you can bet that your faithfulness & willingness to be present and soak up the lessons of where you are is a setup for where God is taking you.
And baby, it's better than anything your whimsy imagination can spark up.
Friend, I fully believe that you are too smart, too gifted, too beautiful of a soul to just be created for just one thing.
You weren't meant to worry your pretty little head about what to be, but get to enjoy playing dress up as the guy or girl of many hats.
You weren't meant to carry the overwhelm of knowing every single detail of your life, having it all perfectly planned and put together.
Instead, you're free to live an adventure by not having all the answers (sorry Kanye)...
And can enjoy resting in the fact that you belong to a good good father who's walking with you.
Whether you go here or there, He's got you.
Whether you do this or that, He's with you.
As long as your heart is truly seeking him, you can always find comfort in knowing you're exactly where you need to be for a purpose that's bigger than what you can see,
bigger than your feelings,
bigger than your "When I grow up, I wanna be" dreams.
So I want to ask, friend, where are you?
Are you in the in-between? How's it been? Fun? Tough?
What do you do when things don't go the way you planned or imagined?
And I really want you to think about what’s the purpose behind where you are right now?
I know that probably feels impossible to answer, but think about it this way: what didn’t I know before that I can learn here?
Who is around me that I can impact for the better?
And how can I allow where I am to shape who I want to become?