You Get What You Ask For
Joy is something that has the ability to explode your heart in an infinite number of ways.
And since the weekend, I've got a whole lotta joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
On Saturday, my husband Kevin + I hosted a small gender reveal shindig with our family and a few friends.
But before I spill on what we're having–for those who don't already know–I thought it be fitting to walk you through some things that've happened along the way + lessons I've learned with this pregnancy that are my reasonings for being so joy-full.
Back in episode no. 2, I shared with you about how I felt like God was challenging me to trust him with the areas of my heart I had been keeping to myself–my body + having more babies being one of them.
This tugging at my heart began last year when some friends + I went to Bethel Music's Heaven Come Conference in L.A.
Prior to this late September weekend, I had never really been that girl that's insanely in tune with her body and tracks her lady cycle on apps and calendars. But over those 3 days in the conference, I wished otherwise.
See, I realized on day 1 of the conference that my period was really late. And while I couldn't remember the exact dates my time of the month would typically arrive, I knew for sure that it should've been here by now.
Even as a happily married woman who desired to have a big family, I was freaking out!
With every worship session and speaker that took the stage, my heart was engaged and wide open, but my head was tormented with fear of pregnancy.
And as I said before, it wasn't that I didn’t want more kids. I just didn’t want them right then 'cause I didn’t think I can handle more at that point of my life.
I was so fearful because really, I was imagining what the future would be like without God, a future where things were solely dependent upon me having it together + figuring everything out on my own.
And I was petrified.
Every time I went to the bathroom that weekend, I was anticipated that I'd discover I had started my period. But nothing happened.
I don't think you realize what lies you believe + what fears have been hanging out in your heart until your faith is challenged.
Prior to this conference, I thought I was full of God-confidence and trusted him, but this thing proved I didn't trust him in everything.
During those 3 days of the conference, I felt like God placed a choice before me: either I trust him or I don't. There really is no grey area. If it turned out that I was pregnant, I could trust he's got me. And if I wasn't, he's still got me.
So in my journal I wrote:
I trust You with my body. You are the opener + closer of the womb. I no longer have to be tormented by fear in the veryt hing you have blessed and given me freedom to express love in (sex). I can have joy and pleasure in knowing that you are in control and I can trust you with thwat you decide to do in and through me, whenever you want to do it, however you want to do it.
I had to resolve within myself that I wasn't going to keep embracing fear.
I was going to believe God is who he says he is–a good + loving Father. And that everything he allows into my life is for my good, even when I don't fully understand it or feel "ready" for it.
And on the final day of the conference when I wrote those words, when I yielded myself to embrace God's love for me in this area, peace came in like a flood and fear was drowned out.
Soon after, I had to use to the bathroom, and felt proud that I wasn't overwhelmed with anxiety. And lo + behold: I started my period!
This may seem like no biggie to you, like I was just freaking out over nothing. But for me, that moment meant everything.
It let me know that when it's the right time for God to give you the things he has for you, they will come.
It proved to me that God really is in control of the inner-workings of my life.
It showed me that if I'm not careful to give him my whole heart, there are areas of my life where fear will rob me of receiving any blessings God has reserved for me.
So from that weekend forward, I vowed to no longer let fear hinder the freedom of intimacy I get to enjoy with my husband. I let go of my desire to control things + chose to no longer be dogmatic about birth control and perfectly-timed pregnancies. I resolved to try my best to trust God with my future + allow myself to enjoy the adventure of the here and now.
Our prayer after we had our daughter was that our next child would be a boy.
It wasn't a super detailed or elaborate prayer, and felt a bit like a wish upon a star rather than an expectant request from the Creator of the universe. But nonetheless, it was a simple prayer.
––––
Fast forward to March of this year: I found myself once again at the end of the month when it dawned on me that my period hadn't showed up. This time, I had a gut feeling that this time, it was for'real, that I was for sure pregnant. I've never been the nauseous type. So when the sudden swirls in my stomach that made me want to hurl showed themselves strong like they did when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, Karter, I had a confident hunch that baby #2 was the reason why.
I convinced my husband to get me a pregnancy test, since he was convinced this was just a false alarm. He got me one, thinking it would prove me wrong. I peed on the stick and it confirmed my predictions! When I showed it to him, he was speechless, pacing back and forth in shock.
In the months that followed, I experienced health challenges with this pregnancy that I hadn't the first time.
Despite thinking my nausea and morning sickness would be nixed by taking prenatals (like my first pregnancy), those symptoms amplified. I couldn't go 2 hours without feeling like I was going to vomit if I didn't eat something. It got so bad that I literally almost passed out when we took Karter to Disneyland for her 2nd birthday.
On top of that, I was having these insanely intense blood sugar crashes every time I ate. My body would feel like I had just eaten 50 packs of Skittles and it was racing down from an epic sugar high. My OB had no remedy for it nor the nausea. She just suggested I ate more frequent meals to hopefully balance things out.
But one night, my friend Melissa + I went to hear our friend Dee Dee speak at a women's gathering her church was having. I felt emotionally exhausted, like there was gonna be no way out of these horrible sugar crashes. I was just getting to the place of accepting what was happening + believing the remainder of this pregnancy was going to be nothing less than miserable. But on the car ride there, my heart spoke a silent prayer. I pleaded with God to allow a miracle to happen in my body, that I wouldn't have to suffer from the horrible rollercoaster of nausea, morning sickness and blood sugar crashes.
Dee just so happened to be talking about restoration, and how God's heart is to fulfill his promises + return to us everything the enemy has or is trying to steal from us. My heart clung to those words. I felt a boldness welling up inside of me, a strength that came from knowing that God was fighting for me–and that he always wins.
And since that night, the rollercoaster ride my body was on ended.
Then, a few months later, after a routine visit to my OB, she told me my blood work tests were showing that my thyroid levels were abnormal, and that I could have hyperthyroidism.
Like really?! Now this?!
I could feel fear looming heavy over me again, begging me to grab hold of its hand. And for a moment, I did.
I tried looking up my test results online and my heart sank when reading about all of the different effects hyperthyroidism has on pregnancies. I was devastated. It felt like I had just dodged a suckerpunch to the face but wasn't prepared for the follow-up kick in the gut.
I leaned on my tribe for prayer via group text, and their encouragements filled my heart with truth.
That I had nothing to fear.
That everything that was gunning for me + this baby would be defeated.
That the reality of God's power and goodness would trump the reality of everything that was going wrong with my body.
That I was going to be okay.
While driving on the freeway a few days after getting a follow-up blood test done, my phone notified me that my results had came through. I refused to open my Kaiser app at first. The words of the doctor were on repeat in my head and I remember the weight they carried, heavy with finality + hopelessness. And when I opened the app and saw that the number had doubled from the first test's results, I lost it. I broke down. Right in the middle of afternoon traffic on the freeway.
Spotify happened to be on, and Melissa Helser's song "Catch The Wind" came blaring through the speakers. (I had heard the song a few times before and never knew all of the words. Yet for some reason, randomly throughout this pregnancy, I'd find myself singing the song's opening line: "I am strong and full of life.")
So when those words hit me, I lost it again. I felt scared yet seen. Knocked down yet mustering up the strength to get back up again. The chorus says:
"Your faithfulness will never let me down.
I'm confident I'll see Your goodness now.
I know you hear my heart, I'm singing out.
There's nothing that can stop your goodness now."
I cried at how intentional this moment was, that every word from that song was just what my soul needed. Peace comforted me again, and I chose to believe that whatever those test results meant, God was still in control. When I returned to the doctor for my next appointment, I clung to faith with everything I had, and felt nothing but relief when my OB told me that the new results were actually indicating my thyroid levels had returned to normal.
I think that had I not had that moment with God at that conference last year of experiencing the truth that he really is in control, had he never confronted the fears about pregnancy + my body that I didn't even know were there, I don't think I would've had the guts to pray for the obstacles I'd face in the short months to follow.
The power + realness of your faith isn't known until it's tested.
But I realized that prayer is the faith-booster that's helped me through every challenge that has bucked up against me thus far during this pregnancy.
If I didn't pray, I think I would've just bowed down to fear. I would've just accepted that it is what it is, that I just have to deal with these things. I would've walked through this pregnancy with anxiety on a level that could've made all of these physical complications even worse.
So this past weekend, as we were surrounded by our family + friends, and confetti canons bursted + gigantic balloons were popped to reveal bright blue confetti, I felt nothing but overwhelming love over the news that we're having a boy!
My heart is still struck with joy. And my head can't wrap itself around the goodness, the struggles + the victories that have been won thus far, all for the coming of this sweet baby boy.
All of this has proven one thing to me: you get what you ask for.
I'm thankful that I've experienced these challenges over these past few months because they've grown my faith in a way that comfortability just can't.
Jesus tells us that anything we ask in his name, if we believe it, it's ours. We'll get the things we ask for.
I believe when our hearts are closely connected + in pursuit of God's heart, he's willing to give us whatever we request because we're in alignment + in sync with him. In other words, we come to a place of wanting what he wants for us. This isn't about prayers that are rooted in selfish gain, but rather ones that stem from seeking + loving him first.
But I'm also learning that we have not because we ask not. And perhaps we don't ask because we don't believe.
We don't believe we're worthy of his love + goodness.
We don't believe he hears us.
We don't believe he'll answer.
And so we find ourselves feeling hopeless in defeat, fearful + tormented by anxiety rather than full of peace, joy + strength.
I believe there are breakthroughs + blessings that won't be unleashed from heaven until we ask for them.
Sure, God could absolutely just give us what we need, when we need it, without us ever needing to come to him. But how does that build our faith?
I think that God's setup in requiring us to trust him + to come to him with our wants and needs is his way of allowing us to experience his power, love + goodness in a tangible way. It puts us in position to know what it really means to be his son or daughter by having our lives marked by his faithfulness.
He doesn't want us to just know about him, but to know him intimately + experience him. And I'm finding that prayer is one of the lifelines he's created as a gift to us to see that happen.
No matter how big or small, no matter how devastating or lofty, we need not be afraid or hesitant to bring those things to God. Yeah, he knows about it all already. But he delights in our ask. He takes joy in our dependency + trust in him. He gets giddy over blowing our minds + doing "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).
Every challenge that comes our way + every opportunity to pray is a chance for God to unleash his promises.
But the enemy of our souls does everything he can to distract us from asking + keep us from getting every good thing God wants for us. Every attack fear unleashes upon our minds, hearts and even our bodies is an attempt for us to believe its voice over God's. Because once we believe it's lies, we won't be bold + brave enough to ask for things in faith. Our enemy knows there are some incredibly epic things that we'll miss out on having as long as we don't ask for them.
So as I journey through the rest of this pregnancy, I'm choosing to partner with faith rather than fear. And I challenge you to do the same.
Allow yourself to be child-like, no longer cynical of the miraculous and the things God can do.
He wants us to go back to the place of simply knowing and believing that anything is possible with him. But doubt and fear creep in when we overthink and complicate his love + goodness, or when we make the circumstances our main focus. So pray! No matter how silly or small your heart's desire. No matter how hopeless or daunting the situation.