Why You Mad?: Dealing With Offended People (+ NOT Becoming One)
Have you ever done something with the best of intentions, but someone close to you was still offended? Ever lost a friend over them not being able to forgive you for something you did?
Even with good intentions + trying my best to please others, I've dealt with many offended folks. In this episode, I'm holdin' nothing back on what I've learned about the heart behind offense, how to deal with people who refuse to forgive + what you should do to keep your own heart in check. Listen up below!
I’m a natural perfectionist and people-pleaser.
And I always end up bearing the brunt of people’s offenses.
Whether I do or don’t do something, there is always that one person that feels some typa way about the choice I made. And most times, I get so caught up in trying not to offend people–to do all i can to please everyone else by making them happy and comfortable doing things their way–my own desires end up fading to the background.
Most times, when planning things like a party or some sort of celebration, I actually end up more stressed and less joyful because I allow my focus to be on making things all about everyone else, rather than focusing on who everything is really for in the first place.
But no matter how hard i work to please everyone, someone still isn’t happy.
There’s someone I’ve disappointed.
And I used to let that bother me.
I used to feel bad + let myself be scolded into a corner of shame, where I’d question and regret the decisions I was initially confident with only because this person has a problem with it. I’d even make apologies for things I really didn’t need to be sorry about.
Now I’m not the type to shy away from being held accountable if I’ve done something to hurt someone.
I fully believe that if you wrong someone or do something that’s not out of love and someone is hurt and offended, you own those words or actions, take responsibility for them, apologize and make an intentional effort to not make the same mistake again.
But offense is one of those weird things where people are choosing to project their own insecurities on you. They’re choosing to be hurt without considering or caring about your heart & intentions.
Yes, I believe offense is a choice.
Just as much as it’s a conscious choice to love, to forgive, to show mercy, to be kind or gracious, it’s also a choice to be offended, unforgiving, bitter, angry & resentful.
“A brother offended is harder to be won over than a strong city, and [their] contentions separate them like the bars of a castle.”– Proverbs 18:19
The word offended here means to be transgressed or to rebel against.
When we wrong others—whether we understand or believe we’ve actually hurt them or not—we have a responsibility to apologize, pursue peace and bring restoration back to that relationship.
And when we’re wronged by others—whether they realize it or not—we have a responsibility to address the hurt, be honest about how it made us feel & move forward in forgiveness.
But if one person chooses to be offended instead of showing mercy & forgiving, it’s like trying to conquer a city surrounded by steel walls.
They’d rather cut you off & shut you out than let you in.
They’d rather be isolated & separated from you instead of allowing healing & closeness to happen.
I know that because we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people, getting hurt is inevitable.
But I think there’s 2 types of offenses that Proverbs 18:19 points to: there’s kind that are caused by people transgressing and actually sinning against you + causing you harm; and then there’s the kind where people do something that rebels or challenges your ideals of how things should be.
Both types of offense happen as a result of someone believing they were wronged. Their hearts have been struck with injury from something that was either done or not done to them, something that was said or left unsaid to them.
But I think most offended folks out there are not the kind that are justifiably hurt, but are simply hurt because of their own insecurities.
I think many offended people take pride and comfort in being victims.
They don’t take responsibility for their own hearts. They instead demand that others make things right or get it together, but they also don’t really allow a chance for that to happen because they can be so quick to distance themselves.
They use the wrongs of others to create walls where there were once bridges.
They often allow their own hearts to grow bitter, full of resentment & even hatred because they refuse to forgive.
See, I believe that this kind of offense is often the result of an unspoken and unrealistic expectation for others to meet a need your insecurities have that no one person was meant to satisfy.
Offenses from feeling rejected, neglected, abandoned & excluded are all signs of ultimately craving love and belonging.
And when God isn’t our first source of our identity + worth, it’s easy for any one event, person or relationship we find validation in to crumble if we’re putting a weight upon it that only God was meant to carry.
When this happens, when people choose to be & stay offended, I think it says more about them than it does about the person that wronged them.
See I think insecurities are the breeding ground for offenses.
When we take responsibility for our own hearts, when we get honest about our emotions + the things that have an impact upon us–especially when we are willing to humble ourselves enough to get real about those things with God and with our people–it’s hard to live offended. Instead, life-giving transformation, forgiveness and freedom can happen. Healing can begin. Confidence can be cultivated. Connections can be restored.
But I feel like the root to many offenses that happen in our relationships stem from one’s unwillingness to address and deal with their insecurities, the dark corners in their hearts where lies have set up camp. Those are the hidden places where there’s shame or self-doubt, where there’s a fear rejection or judgement.
And when all of these things have made their home in someone’s heart, it feels dang-near impossible for them to stomach + receive truth or love. It’s literally like talking to a brick wall.
At the end of the day, I think what we believe about who God is + how he sees us colors every single aspect of our human experience—including our friendships and relationships.
And I see insecurity as the places of our hearts where we are not secure in who God is + who he says we are.
Let me break it down like this:
If you believe you’re entitled to have something or for things to go your way based off of what you’ve given—no matter how big or small—I could see why you’d be easily offended when people don’t give you what you want or aren’t quick to follow your way of things being done.
Could it be that you see God the same way?
Demanding him to do as you wish when you give him a little or a lot of your heart...but when things don’t go your way, you’re mad at God?
Do you have a karma mentality, that because you do something “good” for God, he has to do something good for you? That’s manipulation.
A real life example of this that blew me away was a story my husband shared with me last week about one of his coworkers.
She has a daughter that’s less than a month away from getting married. And though her future mother-in-law doesn’t like her, she’s helped them out a ton financially with the wedding–giving them $3,000 for the deposit for their wedding venue & paying for their entire honeymoon experience!
When they were first making their guest list, they asked "mama dearest" who she’d like to invite + she only gave a few guests' names. But some time after, she came to them to say her sister–the groom’s aunt–wanted to bring a family friend, the family friend’s boyfriend, and the family friend’s boyfriend’s friend. (They never gave her the green light that that was okay.)
So about a week ago, the bride follows up with this aunt, because she never got her rsvp, and tells her she can’t bring those extra people to the wedding.
The aunt calls the mother-in-law, who then texts her son telling him she’s offended because she feels like she should be able to invite whoever she wants since she’s paying for so much. And, with less than 30 days left until the big day, she tops it off by telling him she’s requested her refund from the venue to get her deposit back and will be canceling all flights and plans for their honeymoon!
So unbelievably ridiculous right?!
Giving with an ultimatums and then being offended when things don’t go your way or meet your expectations says more about your heart than the other person. It says more about why you gave. Did you give genuinely? Or to be in control, or get something in return?
Or if you believe that your closest family or friends are supposed to be available to you at all times & at your convenience, I could see why you’d be offended in the rare moment that they don’t show up for you.
You don’t consider that maybe something more important than you required their availability & attention, or perhaps some unexpected difficulty came up where they actually needed someone to show up for them.
Could it be that you’ve put people on a pedestal where God should actually be?
Have you placed so much weight on people being your source for belonging, connection & love that you’ve failed to see that God is the only one who could fully satisfy those needs of your heart?
To expect people’s lives to perfectly revolve around you, that they must always be around when & how you want them, and to never consider their needs? That’s selfish.
In my experience, I've also found that offended people often make up narratives of victimhood in their heads that validate the lies they’ve believed about themselves.
Like they may interpret someone speaking to others but not speaking to them as offensive because really, they’ve believed the lie that their value is determined by how much attention or affection people give them.
And I could see why someone would get FOMO & totally jealous if they saw on social media their friends were hanging out together and they didn’t get invited. But that jealousy could be from believing the lie that if they’re not included, they’re not loved, or that they have to compete to belong.
At the end of the day, offense is a heart issue.
And I’m learning that while we are responsible for trying to be peacemakers + doing all I can to restore the relationship because we value the person—even if we don’t feel like we're in the wrong—at the end of the day, we are not responsible for the heart work that has to happen for that person to forgive & live from a place of no longer being offended.
Like I mentioned before, many times, because of my people-pleasing tendencies, I’d take the blame for things I shouldn’t have, or have failed to address the immaturity of the person who I offended because I just wanted them to like me again. But I’m learning that reconciliation is a 2-way street: it takes both people growing in maturity and being willing to forgive to move forward.
On the other hand, offense is super sneaky, and if we’re not careful, it can take hold of our hearts + have us living in concrete castles.
So if you even notice yourself feeling some typa way when an expectation you had isn’t met or you find yourself replaying what someone did or said over and over again in your head, stop yourself.
Ask yourself: am I offended because this person really did something wrong that hurt me? Or am I just bothered that something didn’t go my way?
What’s the story I’m telling myself that’s on repeat in my head?
Any inkling of negative feelings could be an indicator that there’s an insecurity you have that’s buried in your heart.
But it’s up to you to pause in those moments + let God speak to your heart and undo whatever lie that’s there.
But most times, we don’t do that. We ignore the heart checks and brush them off and let our feelings take a front seat. And before we know it, we’re finding ourselves blaming everyone else for how we feel rejected, unappreciated, overlooked and unloved. Then suddenly, something is wrong with everyone but us and we make generalizations about people—like "nobody likes me," "everybody hates me" or "no one's ever there for me."
We have to take the time to stop and ask if we are the problem. And if we keep reliving these patterns of being hurt by people, we have to ask ourselves if it has anything to do with us, first.
On the flip side, if you feel a nudge in your conscience to reach out to someone to see if they’re hurt by something you may have said or done, do it! God may be trying to use you to bring healing to an area of hurt or insecurity within that person. Or it could just be your heart being moved with compassion to check in on them. Either way, it’s a win, and you've got nothing to lose.
But since the hurts are bound to come, let us be quick to forgive and slow to be offended.
Let’s be willing to reconcile and worth through pain by having hard conversations instead of defaulting to cutting people off and out of our lives.